Lil' HP
by WhiteFish-BlackFish
Summary: Harry Potter was born...differently...then cannon Harry. Why does everyone treat him so nicely? Warnings: AU, Stereotyping, hints of every pairing, mocking of every pairing, mocking of color, mocking of het, slash, and femslash. No sure pairings, if any.


**A/N: **Soo...This story may be a little offensive...But I don't really care. I've seen plenty of white jokes, I've seen plenty of gay jokes. If you can't handle...these jokes (xD), then please leave. FF is a place of maturity, for those of us with minds, and I intend to mock a lot of things. This story is especially mocking stereotypes and plagiarized ff that constantly pops up around here. This site needed something...fresh. xD

So, I now officially give you a **AU **Harry story that I guarantee you have never seen before!

**Disclaimed.**

**BlackFish**

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It was a cold day on Privet Drive when Petunia Dursley opened her door and screamed. Louder and louder she went until, eventually, she fainted. Vernon Dursley rushed down the stairs to see what was wrong with her and, upon seeing the bundle on his doorstep, he promptly screamed and fainted as well. It was in this way, that the Boy Who Lived, was introduced to his new home.

**--Chapter One: Treat Him Nicely--**

"Harry," Petunia called softly, knocking on the door. "Harry, time for breakfast!" Slowly, green eyes opened up as an eleven year old boy yawned. Standing and stretching, Harry got up and walked to the door. Opening it, he smiled.

"Good morning, Aunt Petunia." Petunia smiled softly and ruffled his hair.

"Morning, Harry, and happy birthday! Hurry down now, Vernon and I got you a good breakfast made and I want you and Dudley down soon."

"Okay!" With another yawn, Harry went about his daily business, saying hi to a medium sized boy on his way to the bathroom. Entering it, he ignored the sheets on the window and mirror, and ignored the non reflective surfaces around. It had been a rule in the house for as long as he could remember. Petunia wanted nothing that could reflect a surface in her house or near Harry. Ever. Smiling, Harry got into the wooden bath and showered.

In the kitchen, Petunia wrung her hands nervously and paced the floor. She looked to a nervous looking Vernon, who shook his head, and then to her Dudders, who grinned. "Don't worry, mum. I'm sure he'll love the gifts." Nodding, Petunia went about setting the table and waited for Harry to come down. She didn't have to wait long.

"Good morning, everyone!" Harry smiled at them all and took a seat. "Breakfast smells really lovely!"

"Why, thank you Harry!" Petunia plastered on a smile and put a plate before him. "I thought you might like it. Sausage, eggs…and grits." Harry grinned and took the plate as Vernon added a bowl of bacon to it. "That's for you, too," Petunia assured, as Dudley put a bottle next to him. Harry frowned.

"What's this?" He looked at the bottle in wonder, before holding it up to the light. "Hot Sauce?" Shrugging, he put some on the bacon and took a bite. Dudley, Petunia and Vernon held their breaths… "Man, that tastes good!" …And released it.

"I thought you might say that, too." Petunia confessed. With a smile, she sat down and ate her breakfast. It was only moments later that the mail was dropped into the house. Dudley stood and immediately went to get the mail before bringing it to his dad. Vernon took the mail and sat it on the table.

"We can see the mail later," he smiled. "But first, presents!" Excited, Harry engulfed his food and stood up, waiting. Dudley presented his first.

"Harry, I thought long and hard about this…" He thrust a box at Harry and grinned. "It was the best thing I could have gotten you, and I'm pleased with it." Harry took the box and ripped it open eagerly. He stopped as he looked inside. Dudley shared a proud look with his dad. The two had spent hours looking for this. Harry dug into the box and reverently took out the item.

"Dudley…" Harry cleared his throat. "Dudley…you shouldn't have…" Inside his hand, Harry held up a fake silver, fake diamond printed necklace with HP in a big tacky design. With a cry of happiness, Harry hugged Dudley around the neck.

"Ahem!" Blushing, Harry turned to Petunia, who held out a box. "Don't forget about my present." With a happy smile, he grabbed the box and tore into it. Moments later, he looked as though he would faint.

"Aunt Petu-Petunia…!" He picked up the outfit inside of the box with reverence. Inside laid a purple Rocawear outfit, with baggy soft material pants and hoody, a Fruit of the Loom T-shirt, some boxers, and some black Tims. Grinning with tears pooling in his eyes, Harry hugged Petunia in thanks and turned to Vernon as he began to walk from the room.

"Well boy? Follow me." Nodding, Harry gathered up his two gifts and followed Vernon from the house, Petunia and Dudley following behind with knowing looks. "Tada!" Vernon shouted, pointing. Harry's eyes followed his finger to a busted up old car with broken windows and…was that a used condom on the windshield? Harry gasped, clutching his other gifts to his chest, as his eyes caught something truly magnificent. Vernon grinned as he let out a whimper and rushed to the car.

"Spin-spin-spin-" He kneeled on the side of the car. "SPINNERS!!" Squealing, Harry grabbed the rims and twirled them. "THEY SPINNIN'! THEY SPINNIN'!"

"But, the car is crap!" Dudley gave his dad a look. Harry laughed.

"Who cares, Dudley?! Look! The rims spin!" Dudley looked at Harry for a moment before he sighed and shrugged.

"Okay…Whatever." Sniffling, Harry stood up and ran to Vernon.

"Uncle V, those rims must have cost you a fortune! Thank you so much!" The two shared a hug, a manly hug, before they all retired to the house. Petunia grabbed the mail and shuffled through it. Her eyes widened to saucers as a thick letter came into her hand.

_To Harry Potter_

_Number 4, Privet Drive_

_Largest Bedroom_

_Second Floor_

"Vernon! It came! Harry's letter came!" Harry's head snapped up as the two gave him a worried look. "Harry, sit down, please." It wasn't a question. Doing as told, Harry sat, whilst Dudley, with a look, went to his room. Silence. Harry bit his lip. "Harry," Petunia began. "I suppose there is no easy way to say this, but you're a bla…you're a wizard." She handed him the letter. Harry, wide eyed, took the letter and read it. Once finished, he looked up at his aunt and uncle.

"Well, I don't see anything bad about it…" Vernon cleared his throat.

"Well, of course there's nothing wrong about being a wizard. It's just…well…you're also a bla…um…" He shuffled uncomfortably. "Harry…there's something we've been holding back from you."

"That's right!" Harry stood up slowly, recognition shining in his eyes. Vernon and Petunia shared a look of terror. "You haven't told me how my parents died yet!" The two relaxed.

"An evil wizard slaughtered them and then tried to kill you and died," Petunia answered promptly, ignoring how his eyes went wide in shock. "But that's not what we wanted to tell you. Harry…I-you-we…" She ran a hand through her hair in frustration. "We're different…"

"Well, yeah. I know that. You're an adult female and I'm a male child."

"Harry, that's not what she meant." Vernon cut in. He ran a hand over his face. "Harry, the neighbourhood has been…kind enough not to say anything, but the rest of the world isn't going to be so kind. I'd rather you hear it from us then from a stranger. Harry…I-you-we…We're different…"

"Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia and I just had this conversation." Vernon purpled.

"Now see here you ignorant boy-!" He cut off, hands going to his mouth, as Petunia and Harry gasped. "Oh…Oh, I am so sorry! I shouldn't have-!"

"Vernon, how could you?!"

"I'm sorry, Pet! I-I wasn't thinking and I-" A loud thump on the door interrupted him and the three in the room turned to the door in surprise. Dudley ran from his room and joined them moments later in question.

"What's going on? No one hit anyone, right?!" Suddenly, the door broke, and in came the largest man Harry had ever seen. He looked around, his beady eyes landing on a pale and skinny pair of adults, then Harry and passing him, before he turned to the medium sized Dudley.

"Yer must be 'Arry!" Dudley shook his head in the negative and pointed to Harry. The man paid no attention. "Me names Hagrid; I'm the Keeper of the Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts. Why, 'Arry, you look just like James…Well…no. James 'ad black hair. Well, I s'pose you look more like Lily…No? She had red hair and green eyes. Wai'…Green eyes?" He turned his head to Harry, who was eyeing him up and down in suspicion. Hagrid's eyes widened. "Hot damn! You're 'im! But-but, you're bla-"

"Hey now!" Vernon stood, panic on his face. "You must be here to take Harry to get his supplies; It took you long enough! You only gave him a month to get his things and to get over the culture shock; I thought we were supposed to have two!" Hagrid blushed and put his head down.

"Well, ye were. But, for some reason, the owls kept refusin' to come here." Vernon, not caring, told Harry to get to his room and change into his newly bought birthday outfit, before turning to Hagrid as Harry left to do as told.

"Alright you, listen here! Harry…He doesn't know what he is." Hagrid sputtered.

"'Ow?! T'ts not 'ard ter miss!"

"You shush!" Petunia sniffed, pulling herself up to her full height. "Now, we've raised the boy as normal as we could and we will not have you ruin that! Harry is not to know. At least, not until he gets to the school. And, so help me, if any of you harm a hair on his head I'll have…_people_ come and cut you!"

"I'm back!" Harry came into the room in his Rockawear outfit with his chain wrapped around his neck. Dudley gave him a weak grin.

"Wow, Harry! You look…appropriate!" Harry smiled happily.

"Thanks, Dudley!" Petunia and Vernon took in the baggy clothes with distaste.

"It's missing something…" Vernon bent down and took the string out of his shoe. He then handed it to Harry. "Here, put this on."

"What's this for?" Harry asked, doing as told.

"It's a belt to hold up your pants." Harry looped the string around him and tied it loosely; the pants still sagged. "Perfect." Vernon nodded. "Now, Harry, be a good boy and walk off with this stranger. Don't ask too many questions, be on your best behaviour, and try not to eat in public."

"And you, Hagrid," Petunia sniffed. "Had better not let anything happen to Harry." Hagrid nodded and looked Harry over, choking when he shot a smile at him.

"Wow…clean teeth. I was expecting gold…"

"What was that?" Vernon muttered. Hagrid forced a smile.

"Nothin'. C'mon, 'Arry, let's go ta buy yer school supplies." Harry didn't look in the least bit excited. "Um, at the Wizard's mall?" Cheering, Harry ran to give his family hugs and grabbed a key from Vernon's pocket. Vernon nodded in approval as Harry dragged Hagrid out to his 'new' car. "'Arry! T'is car is awful!" Hagrid's voice could be heard from outside.

"Who cares?" Harry's voice floated back. "Look at the rims; they spinnin'!"

"Vernon?"

"I know, Pet. I know." Sighing, Vernon called his sister Marge up to see when she'd be by. After three rings, she answered. "Hey Marge, it's Vernon. Yes. Yeah, I just wanted to know when you'd be over. Yes, I'm sure Harry is missing his dogs too."

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**A/N:** So...you figure it out yet? XD Please, don't be harsh?


End file.
